The Goodness of God

I'm sitting here watching my infant son sleep...I know the saying, "Sleep when your baby sleeps," but the peace is all the same. My heart hasn't been full for quite some time. Those of you who know me well, know that I have struggled with the goodness of God since losing my mom in January of 2005. I felt abandoned, unloved, and left wanting in relation to God. Though my mind knew better (I have an amazingly nurturing, patient, faithful husband whose faith has carried me time and time again), my heart couldn't shake the loss. Some would say "That's natural or understandable," but in the grand scheme of God's love, it's neither. My lack of faith, underestimating the greatness of who God is, only seeing what this world has to offer...those things kept me at bay with God, my heavenly Father, and the keeper of my soul. And now, in the month of January, four years later, my heart is renewed. I'm not on a spiritual high, nor am I delirious from my lack of sleep...I simply recognize that God's goodness, His graciousness (which is the literal meaning of Ian's name), is not based on what God gives or what Satan takes away. His goodness is because He is. I can't explain the transformation in my heart. I've wanted it and searched for it over the last couple of years, but the hurt was more blinding than I knew. My eyes, however, are bright once again. God has replaced my mourning with joy, my tears with laughter, and my struggles with peace through the birth of one amazing little boy. And that too was made possible through the giving of His own son Jesus. What a good God...